Arashi, Tego Is Not In This Picture

Title: Tego Is Not In This Picture [Jun/Aiba]
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for hysterical boyband members.
Summary: Aiba insists that this is NOT JUN.
AN: SO YESTERDAY. darkeyedwolf made me watch all the Arashi PVS, and then sent me a link to test my identification skills which PURPORTEDLY had Arashi pictures, but when i scrolled down a few pictures and said “that one there is Jun right?” she was like “AHAHAAHAH THAT’S TEGO FROM NEWS.”

So I wrote fic where Aiba feels my pain. Wolfie, I hate you. A lot. as much as Ohno hates Nino.

Tego Is Not In This Picture

Aiba noticed that something was wrong first thing in the morning, when Jun’s alarm went off and Aiba rolled over for his usual first-thing-in-the-morning grope from his half-asleep-yet-still-hot-like-burning J-boyfriend, Matsumoto Jun.

And then screamed like a sissy girl because the person in bed with him was not Matsumoto Jun at all, but…Tegoshi Yuya from NewS?

“Morning?” the interloper slurred, cracking one eye open and looking Aiba over, and Aiba screamed again, clutched the sheet to his chest, and locked himself in the bathroom.

******

Okay, Aiba told himself while he stood under the hot spray of the shower and tried to pull himself together. There was absolutely no way that he had actually just woken up in bed with Tego from NewS. That was ridiculous.

“Ridiculous,” he said while he was washing the shampoo out of his hair, because it had definitely been Jun that he’d gone to bed with, in Jun’s bed. And it had definitely been Jun that had woke him up at three in the morning to ‘punish’ him for stealing blankets.

“Ridiculous,” he repeated while wiping the steam off the mirror and examining his complexion, because he had been working really hard lately, and he’d been reading the Myojo last night with NewS on the cover, and that explained everything.

Everything except why a naked Tego from NewS was yawning and scratching his chest in Jun’s bed when Aiba opened the bathroom door.

“Ridiculous,” he whimpered.

*******

“Captain,” Aiba pled in a panicked whisper, “I need to talk to you right now.”

“Hmm?” Ohno blinked a few times, because it was first thing in the morning and because he was Ohno, before reaching up to pat Aiba’s hair. “Aiba! Hello, Aiba.”

“In private,” Aiba insisted, dragging Ohno a few feet away from the others and glancing over his shoulder a lot. When they were half-hidden by a camera rig, Aiba said, “Have you seen Jun?”

“Jun?” Ohno blinked a little more and looked over Aiba’s shoulder. “He’s right there, Aiba-chan. HI JU—”

“Shh!” Aiba hissed, slapping a hand over Ohno’s mouth. “That’s not Jun!”

“Naa Uun?” Ohno asked around Aiba’s hand.

“No!” Aiba valiantly fought off the way his lower lip wanted to tremble. “It’s Tego from NewS!”

“Ut,” Ohno reached up and peeled Aiba’s long fingers back, “but it has to be Jun because he came in with you, right?”

“Yes, but…” Aiba protested.

“And Aiba went home with Jun last night, right?” Ohno continued, then patted Aiba again as if everything was fixed. “Then that must be Jun!”

“But it’s Tego from NewS!” Aiba wailed. “Just look at him!”

Aiba and Ohno turned to stare at Tego. After a second, Tego noticed them and yelled “GOOD MORNING!” with a big smile.

“See?” Aiba pled. Ohno was staring at Tego with his “I’m concentrating” expression, and Aiba felt a moment of hope, but then Ohno burst into laughter.

“Good one, Aiba-chan!” he howled, thumping Aiba on the back. Aiba’s jaw dropped as he watched Ohno stride away, still laughing. “Hey, Nino, Aiba just played the best trick on me!”

******

“Sho, you’ll help me out right?” Aiba said, trying not to look half as pathetic as he felt.

Sho looked dubious.

“Because that is TEGO.” Aiba pointed at the not-boyfriend, who was standing next to the lunch table and flicking grapes at Ohno and pretending Nino was doing it. “From NEWS.”

“Aiba-kun.” Sho stepped closer and pressed his palms against Aiba’s cheeks, holding his face still for inspection. “Are you feeling all right? You didn’t look so good during the shoot.”

“That’s because Tego kept touching me,” Aiba insisted, words a little slurred with Sho pressing his cheeks in. “Like Jun! Only he’s not Jun, he’s TEGO.”

“You feel a little warm,” Sho clucked. “Did you have breakfast? You have to eat something for lunch, come on.”

“Sho, listen to me!” Aiba yanked his face away and curled his hands into frustrated fists. “Are you telling me that when you look over there, you actually see Jun?”

“Of course I do.” Sho flicked the barest of glances to the side; now not-Jun was picking all the dried plums out of his salad.

“He’s picking out the plums!” Aiba shouted, distantly recognizing that he was a tiny bit hysterical. “Jun loves plums, and I know that because I am his boyfriend, and that is NOT my boyfriend, ERGO that is NOT JUN.”

“You just sit right down,” Sho pushed Aiba down into a convenient makeup chair by the shoulders. “I’ll bring you some juice.”

******

“Nino, please,” Aiba wasn’t even bothering to fight the lip wibble at this point, since that was the least of his problems, “I’m really not kidding!”

“Ohno told me about it already,” Nino gave Aiba a bemused smile, “so you won’t get me with the same trick, Aiba-chan.”

“IT’S NOT A…” Aiba took a deep breath and resisted the urge to beat on the headshot computers in frustration. “It’s not a trick. Here, just look at these.”

Aiba held up two pages ripped from magazine’s he’d found laying around the dressing room. One was of Jun, the shoot with the stripy shirt and the skinny black tie, and the other was the hot pink NewS spread that Aiba had been reading about yesterday, before the whole world had gone cuckoo-bananas.

“Now concentrate. Which one is Jun?”

“This one, Aiba.” Nino patiently pointed to the tie-shirt-skinny-tie shot and Aiba breathed a sigh of relief.

“Yes! Now,” Aiba moved out of way so Nino could look over the bank of monitors at Tego, who was having his solo shots done, “which one of these,” Aiba shook the magazine pages a little, “is out there?”

“Aiba-chan,” Nino reached up to grab Aiba’s hands and tug them down, “you’ve been working very hard. Did you and Jun have a fight?”

“If Jun and I were fighting,” Aiba said desperately, feeling as lonely as a j-idol could possibly feel, “he’d be here.”

“There, there, Ai-chan.” Nino hugged Aiba, rubbing soothing circles on Aiba’s back, and Aiba burst into tears.

******

“Look, I’m begging you,” Aiba said to the entire group, wringing his hands. “Just, please, take a long look, because that is not Jun. He picks out the plums from his salad and likes Ohno’s new pullover and hasn’t tried to stick his hands in my back pockets all day!”

“They’re having a fight,” Nino stage-whispered to everyone else.

“What’s wrong with my pullover?” Ohno demanded.

“AND,” Aiba pointed a finger right at the imposter, “he’s not nearly GAY ENOUGH.”

Everyone turned to Tego; Tego tossed his hair a little and twiddled two of his fingers in a little wave.

“Aiba-chan,” Sho said as they turned back to their bandmate, who was on the verge of a hysterical breakdown, “we’re going to send you home to rest, okay?”

“No really,” Ohno said, “it’s a great pullover!”

******

“I’ll do everything backwards!” Aiba said when he was alone in his apartment. “Everything I did this morning, I’ll do in reverse, and that’ll fix everything.”

So Aiba took off all his clothes in reverse, shirt then jeans then underwear then socks, then he walked backwards into his bathroom and climbed in the shower, where he conditioned then shampooed his hair, then repeated and rinsed.

Then Aiba shuffled backwards into his bedroom, flopped onto his bed, and pulled the blankets over his head.

He was just starting fret about whether going to sleep backwards meant he had to fall awake, when he realized that Sho must have slipped something into his dri—

******

“Aiba! Aiba-chan!”

Aiba peeled open his eyes and saw Tego, then squeezed his eyes shut and SCREAMED.

“FUCK!” Aiba heard, and then suddenly there was a noise like glossy paper being ripped off skin, and Aiba opened his eyes to find Jun with one hand pressed against his ear, and the other holding up the issue of Myojo with the pink spread of NewS that had apparently been stuck to Aiba’s face.

“Jun!” Aiba shrieked, making Jun curse again, then leapt forward to tackle Jun so hard they tumbled off the bed in a heap of limbs and blankets.

“What the hell?” Jun demanded, shoving at Aiba’s shoulders, but Aiba had his arms wrapped like a vise around Jun’s chest and was mumbling a string of nonsense against Jun’s navel. “Aiba, knock it off! I have a splitting headache, and I had this ridiculous dream that Yamapi was my captain and punched me in the shoulder a lot.”