NEWS/One Piece, One Peas

Title: One Peas [NEWS/The Straw Hat Pirates]
Rating/Warnings: G for the mystical abilities of the Kira Kira Fruit.
Summary: It doesn’t seem like there actually are any girl pirates, when Usopp is on watch.
AN: For peroxidepest17, who needs to hurry up and get well!

One Peas

It was a normal sunny morning on the deck of the Going Merry, two days out from Alabaster, when something a little out of the ordinary happened.

“Oi!” Usopp called from the bird’s nest, where he was on watch. “There’s something in the water!”

“Eh?” Luffy twisted his neck from his usual seat to see where Usopp was pointing, then twisted it again, until his neck was three feet long and he was looking completely upside-down. “Where?”

“What is it?” Nami wanted to know, looking over from where Sanji was refilling her and Robin’s glasses of Special Love Drink. She lifted her sunglasses to look as well.

“I think it’s a rowboat!” Usopp declared, fiddling around with his goggles. “Full of people! Full of…GIRL PIRATES?!”

“WHAT?” Sanji stood bolt upright and dashed for the rail, leaning over to squint at the speck that was approaching their ship.

Approaching at quite a clip, actually.

“They’re rowing pretty fast, ne?” Nami asked conversationally, leaning next to Sanji. The speck had gotten close enough that they could see the six members of the boat all rowing with things that were decidedly not oars. One had a guitar, another a banana, and although it was hard to tell at a distance, one of them seemed to be using a frisbee.

“Don’t just sit there!” Sanji roared at Luffy, who’d twisted his neck a few more times and was now clopping his sandals together idly. “Be gentleman and help the gorgeous pirate ladies!”

“Um,” Usopp called down, “actually…”

But the rest of his words were drowned out by Luffy’s shout of “GOMU GOMU NO PISTOL!” and the next thing they all knew, Luffy’s arm was flying back towards them, only there was a rowboat attached to the end of it, and then a crash as the boat hit the deck and skidded to slam into Zoro, napping on the other side.

“Oi, oi,” one of the pirates groaned from the pile of wreckage that had been their rowboat, “the next person who says he’s got a brilliant idea can suck directly on my salty pirate cock!”

“I don’t think they’re ladies after all,” Usopp finished.

*****

Sanji, curiously, didn’t seem to mind.

“Another drink, Tego-schwan~♥?” he inquired, heart-shaped pupils pulsating with adoration as Tegoshi, as the smallest and the cutest of the pirates was apparently named, beamed up at him.

“Un!” Tegoshi agreed, and his glass was full again before you could say “Bravo, bravo!”

It didn’t help that Tegoshi had discovered Chopper when the reindeer had run up from below deck at the sound of the crash, and somehow he had ended up sprawled over Tegoshi’s lap, being cuddled to within an inch of his life.

“He’s not a girl, you know!” First Mate Koyama called over, shooting glances over his shoulder, but Nami snapped her fingers to get his attention back on the map spread out in front of them. The crew’s navigator, Shigeaki, was examining the map with a pinched expression.

“Leave him, at least he isn’t bothering us,” Nami said. “Now where did you say you were going?”

“We’re traveling the Grand Line in search of music, friendship, and member-ai!” piped up Captain Yamapi from nearby. But then the glint of the sun off metal caught his eye from the end of the ship that Zoro had gone off to for a sulk. “Ooh, are those weights?”

“We’re supposed to spend two nights in the Elbaf Mega Mega Dome,” Shigeaki supplied, trying and failing to pat down the puff of feathers stuck to the shoulder of his coat. “But on the way the Eito pirates attacked us, stole our log pose, and kidnapped one of our crew!”

“Poor Uchi-kun!” Koyama wailed, momentarily distracted from Tegoshi’s cooing about Chopper’s adorable blue nose.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Shigeaki assured, giving up on his feathers to pat Koyama’s shoulder instead. “They would have taken Ryo too, but when they saw how ugly he was up close, they threw him back.”

“They were just afraid your hair was contagious!” Ryo shouted from the upper deck, where he and Robin were leaning against the rail.

“Ow!” Shige exclaimed, looking around. “Somebody just pinched my ass!”

“Nobody’s even near you,” Koyama pointed out, but both Nami and Shige glared up at Ryo and Robin anyway. Robin gave them a little wave, and Ryo snickered.

“OW!” hollered Shige, and Koyama said that maybe he’d see if Usopp had spotted any other ships yet. He scuttled off, murmuring to nobody in particular that it definitely seemed safer in the crow’s nest.

“That’s nothing!” Yamapi’s voice came from across the ship. “I can totally do twice that weight! As captain of the Peapod Pirates, I have to lift things way heavier than that all the time.”

“That’s because I’m resting in between sets!” Zoro insisted, setting the weights down with a thunk and dropping a few more on the top. “I bet you can’t even lift that much, much less do twenty shoulder presses!”

“HA!” Captain Yamapi retorted, pushing up the sleeves of his jacket and throwing his tiny scarf over his shoulder before grabbing the metal bar. “I can do…urgh…at least fifty!”

“Sanjiiiiiii!” Luffy whined. “Isn’t it lunch time yet? I want meat! Meat!”

“And gyoza!” shipwright Masuda chimed in, eyes hopeful. “Can we have gyoza? A mountain of gyoza!”

“And a mountain of meat!” Luffy agreed, slinging an arm around Masuda’s shoulder and starting up a chorusline kick to the chant of “Gyoza! Meat! Gyoza! Meat!”

“I’m busy!” Sanji snapped. “Tego-schwan’s special drink is a delicate concoction of true love!”

“You know, Sanji-kun,” Tegoshi spoke up, looking up from scratching Chopper’s belly, Chopper’s pink hat perched on Tegoshi’s head and seemingly only held there by magic and rainbows. “I’m just a little bit hungry for gyoza too.”

“Coming right up~♥!” Sanji dashed to the kitchen.

“Don’t forget the meat!” Luffy yelled after him.

“Hey, guys!” Usopp called down from the crow’s nest. “I see something coming towards us!”

“Is it more girl pirates?” Luffy wanted to know.

“Is it ACTUALLY girl pirates?!” Zoro demanded, breathless from the increasing weight competition.

“THIS IS NOTHING!” Yamapi informed everyone from behind a stack of weights so high the only thing you could see was his silly captain’s hat. “I LIFT TWICE THIS WEIGHT EVERY MORNING!”

“N-no,” Koyama added, “it’s not that exactly!”

“Well, what is it?” Shige demanded to know, not looking up from the map.

“I-I-IT’S A S-S-SEA KING!” Koyama and Usopp wailed, clutching at each other in terror.

With a huge roar and a wave that rocked the boat, the sea king lifted itself out of the water. Dripping on the deck, it eyed them with beady, insect eyes and waved a thousand little legs in an ominous ripple.

“What kind of monster is THAT?!” Nami demanded, then looked over to find herself alone at the table. “Eh? Shige-kun?”

“And then, it appeared!” Shige’s voice came from under the table. “Shige’s mortal enemy, CATAPILLAR!”

Luffy was already in action on the deck, winding up his fist and hollering, “GOMU GOMU NO…”

“Ne, Luffy-san,” Tegoshi interrupted. He sat Chopper on the deck behind him and stood up, dropping Chopper’s hat back on his head with a cute smile. Then he turned to Luffy. “I’ll take care of it.”

“Oh!” Luffy let his arm snap back to his body and shrugged. “Sure thing!”

“ARE YOU A MORON?!” Zoro, Luffy, Usopp, Koyama, Masuda, Nami, and Ryo all demanded.

Tegoshi didn’t seem to mind though, as he trotted to the middle of the deck, ignoring the roaring and thrashing and thousand crawly little legs of the sea king.

“Ne, sea king-san!” Tegoshi called, looking up at the sea king. The sea king stopped roaring and blinked down at the tiniest Peapod Pirate.

Tegoshi cocked his head to one side. “You aren’t going to eat us, are you?”

Looking immensely shame-faced, the sea king slunk back down into the waves and slunk off, it’s thousand creepy arms glinting in the water.

“Bye-bye!” Tegoshi called after it, waving, then he turned to Luffy. “He was funny, wasn’t he?”

“Yup!” Luffy agreed. “Thanks!”

“DON’T AGREE WITH HIM!” Nami, Zoro, and Usopp yelled. “HE’S A MONSTER TOO!”

“That’s just the awesome power of the Kira Kira fruit,” Ryo shrugged, and Tegoshi grinned so that his eyes scrunched all up, and somehow ended up with Luffy’s straw hat on his head.

“Hey,” Usopp interrupted, “there’s…”

“Oh god, what NOW?” Nami moaned.

“Another pirate ship!” Usopp called. “And this time it really is a bunch of girls!”

“No,” Ryo corrected. “That’s just KAT-TUN.”

“AHOY~!” somebody called from the approaching ship, and the next thing they knew, somebody in the biggest purple hat with the swooshiest red and purple jacket that had ever sailed the Grand Line had thrown their boot up on the rail to lean over. “Have you guys seen any lost Peapod Pirates? One of them looks like a monkey!”

“JIN, you fat jerk!” Ryo yelled back. “Where the hell were you two hours ago when Eito showed up!”

“Captain Jin?” Yamapi perked up immediately, letting go of his weight and not noticing at all when it fell on Zoro’s foot and Zoro let loose an unholy string of curses.

“He’s not captain!” somebody else called, and then Jin was shoved over by somebody else in an equally swooshy and ridiculous coat. “He’s co-captain.”

“Right, right, Co-Captain Kame-chan.” Co-Captain Jin waved him off.

“Don’t call me that! It’s Co-Captain Kamenashi!”

“Co-captain?” Luffy wrinkled his nose. “What kind of pirates are they?”

“The KAT-TUN pirates are very special,” Masuda reported.

“We found your ship,” Co-Captain Kamenashi reported once the two ships had pulled alongside to talk.

“Yeah, but all that was left of it was your flag,” Co-Captain Jin said, motioning behind them so that two other members of the crew unfurled a piece of cloth with a huge smiley-face skull on it. There was a big hole right in the center.

“Awwwwww,” Masuda looked stricken, “I just painted that!” But a hug from Tegoshi seemed to make things much better.

Soon enough, the Peapod Pirates were packed aboard KAT-TUN’s ship, since KAT-TUN had agreed to give them a lift to Elbaf, and everybody was waving farewell to their new friends.

“Bye-bye, Tego-schwan~♥!” a heartbroken Sanji leaned over the rail to call, flailing his arms until Zoro had to grab the back of his belt to keep him from falling overboard.

“Well, they were an interesting bunch,” Nami sighed, giving up on her maps for the moment. “Ne, captain?”

Luffy, perched back on his favorite seat, didn’t answer, but just hummed something catchy that was puncutated with an occasional “Bravo! Bravo!”