A.B.C-Z, Never Say Never

Title: Never Say Never [Totsuka/Hashimoto]
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Totsuka tries to tell Hashimoto his feelings in lyrics instead of words, but it doesn’t work out as well as he hoped.
AN: written for 2013 JE Holiday exchange as a pinch hit for orangegreenlove. Happy Holidays! Thanks to rikikomori for the beta and the (literal) handholding. A lot of the info about them sharing rooms for the stage play comes from the interview translated here and here.

Never Say Never

Nobody is more excited than Hashimoto when they get word that they’ll be doing a new stage show. Except maybe Kawai, who gets hotter over senpai history than Fukuzawa gets over him.

“You think we’ll share a room?” Hashimoto asks as they’re going to their first meeting. He keeps bumping Totsuka’s shoulder with his own as they walk down the hall, like a large dog taking an incredibly inefficient walk with his owner. The mental image makes Totsuka suppress a smile as Hashimoto continues to badger him. “Huh, huh?”

“If you like,” he agrees finally, just to see Hashimoto’s grin spread across his face. Hashimoto hugs him tightly, making Tsukada and Goseki run into them with a grunt, but Totsuka just takes it with a small smile of his own.

“You shouldn’t agree with him like that,” Goseki points out when Hashimoto trots ahead to get himself all wound up with Kawai. “Sharing a dressing room with him never works out for you. He always wants to sleep, and you always want to read.”

Totsuka shrugs; what Goseki says is true, but somehow Totsuka doesn’t mind it. He doesn’t mind whatever Hashimoto does, and Totsuka gave up trying to find the sense in that years ago. If he bargained with Hashimoto, or even just asked him, he’s sure Hashimoto would let him have his way, but Hashimoto is just so easy to spoil.

Plus, it’s not like Totsuka doesn’t get anything out of it.

“Sharing a room’s gonna be fun, huh?” Hashimoto murmurs in Totsuka’s ear during the first break, pressing him against the wall of the empty conference room he magically turned up for them to slip into. He rolls his hips against Totsuka’s, slow and rhythmic, and maybe they don’t have enough time to get off properly but Totsuka can’t see any reason to argue.

“Mmhmm,” he agrees, kissing Hashimoto in lingering presses of his mouth. He wraps his arms around Hashimoto’s neck and relaxes into it, the wall and Hashimoto’s grip on his hips taking all of his weight.

“Good.” Hashimoto says in between kisses. “Want Tottsu to myself.”

“You just don’t want to fight Tsuka-chan about the room temperature,” Totsuka sighs, tilting his head back so that Hashimoto will trail kisses down his jaw. To his surprise, Hashimoto stops kissing him and pulls back enough to look him directly in the eye. He looks unusually serious, and Totsuka asks a soft, “Hm?”

“That’s not why,” Hashimoto says. His fingers dig into Totsuka’s hips just a little tighter. “It’s because you’re the only one I want. I’m yours and you’re mine, right?”

It makes Totsuka feel embarrassed when Hashimoto says things like that so directly. He has to force himself to not drop his eyes as he nods, but saying anything in return is definitely beyond him. Hashimoto doesn’t seem to mind, though, accepting Totsuka’s agreement with another soft kiss.

“Good.” Hashimoto presses another kiss against Totsuka’s cheek and then his forehead. “Because I love Tottsu.”

They never talked about it really, how this went from being Totsuka indulging Hashimoto’s obvious crush to them being in an exclusive relationship. That Hashimoto’s feelings were honest wasn’t ever in question, so far as Totsuka was concerned, but when the gap between them was larger, it seemed harmless enough. When he thinks about it now, Totsuka guesses that after a certain amount of time in the same unit, all gaps become meaningless, and maybe he should have known better right at the beginning.

On the other hand, the way that this new, adult Hashimoto looks at him sometimes, that childish adoration changed into love and want, Totsuka can’t regret that even a little bit. Sometimes Totsuka even feels like he deserves to be Hashimoto’s most important person, and if that isn’t proof of Hashimoto’s magic then nothing is.

Even Hashimoto’s brand of magic can’t make Totsuka say his feelings so easily, though, and if it’s a regret he has, he still can’t change it. Hashimoto doesn’t act like he cares, just one more thing about Totsuka that he accepts unconditionally, and he seems perfectly happy as they pat their hair and clothes back down to go back to their meeting. Hashimoto is even humming “Twinkle Twinkle” to himself, the song that he treats as the official song of their relationship more often than not.

“Girl I wanna make it together,” he sings as he pushes the door open for Totsuka. “And I know that you’re the only one for me~.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Totsuka says as he slips by. Hashimoto’s hand slips into his and Totsuka squeezes his fingers. Neither one of them lets go the whole way back into their meeting room.

Maybe it’s because Hashimoto was just singing his feelings at Totsuka like that, but when they find out their new single for the show is “Never My Love,” Totsuka can’t help but think that maybe this is his chance to do the same.

He doesn’t make a big deal about it or anything, but when they’re at vocal practice, which they’re getting a lot more of than usual since their group needs so much English help, whenever Totsuka catches Hashimoto’s eye, he sings the next line as if its only for Hashimoto.

“You say you fear I’ll change my mind, I won’t require you,” he sings, looking right into Hashimoto’s eyes. “Never, my love.”

Hashimoto looks puzzled, glancing side to side to see if somebody else is making a face, and Totsuka can’t help but laugh. The pronunciation coach is so busy with Kawai and Tsukada that he doesn’t even notice, though. When no other hilarity occurs, Hashimoto offers Totsuka a half-smile, still obviously confused.

Oh well, Totsuka thinks. Tokyo wasn’t built in a day.

Every now and then he tries again, whenever he feels like his feelings intersect with the words he’s singing.

“You wonder if this heart of mine will lose its desire for you,” he sings when they’re working out the choreography, using the mirrors to his advantage to catch Hashimoto’s eye even in frontman position. “Never, my love.”

Hashimoto looks over his shoulder, and Totsuka smiles back as he sings the next line, and the next. Even after he stops, Hashimoto keeps glancing back until Goseki yells at him to focus, dammit.

“How can you think love will end?” Totsuka asks during rough stage blocking. Hashimoto has stopped looking puzzled by now, now whenever it happens he looks back evenly as long as Totsuka will hold the eye contact, like he’s acknowledging that he’s listening. Sometimes he gives Totsuka a small nod.

It’s not the response Totsuka had been expecting, to be honest. He’d thought Hashimoto would receive his feelings with a showy display of affection, like Hashimoto does most things. But then again, Hashimoto has been more seriously lately in particular, enough that even Kawai has mentioned it.

“Maybe it’s pressure from the show?” Kawai suggests, just the two of them out for a combini run for the group while the others stay to work with the backers. “It’s never bothered him before, but maybe he’s grown up just a little?”

“Maybe he has,” Totsuka agrees, lost in thought with his hand on the onigiri until Kawai asks if he needs help with his tough life choices or what.

Totsuka tries to picture a new sort of Hashimoto on the walk back, one who doesn’t blurt out his feelings left and right, one who keeps his thoughts and worries inside, one just a little settled and serious. Shouldn’t that make him proud? It doesn’t, which Totsuka is a little uncomfortable with, because he doesn’t want to wish against whatever kind of adult Hashimoto becomes. The idea of a Hashimoto who doesn’t gush his feelings all over Totsuka without reservation makes Totsuka feel nothing but sad.

He brushes the thoughts away to focus on work for the rest of the day, but they creep back in whenever he lets his guard down. It makes him a bit melancholy, more like the old Totsuka that hasn’t shown his gloomy face in a while. Everyone is busy with their own rehearsing, though, so Totsuka doesn’t waste any energy worrying about whether they’ll notice him or not. They shouldn’t have to worry about him after all.

Totsuka should have known better, really. There’s one person who is always watching him closely.

“Take me home?” Hashimoto asks as soon as practice is called, appearing right next to Totsuka’s side like a magic trick, close enough that Totsuka can feel the heat radiating off of him. “Take me home with you.”

“Practice tomorrow,” Totsuka reminds, in case Hashimoto has anything terribly acrobatic in mind. Sometimes practice does wind him up, after all. Hashimoto only nods, and Totsuka gives in. He could use some company at the moment, after all.

“Tottsu’s sad today,” Hashimoto comments as soon as they’re outside, away from the others. When Totsuka doesn’t try to deny it, Hashimoto’s hand slips into his to squeeze it. “Tottsu shouldn’t be sad.”

“Everybody’s sad sometimes,” Totsuka deflects. He squeezes Hashimoto’s hand back once before letting his hand drop. They’re in public.

“That’s so,” Hashimoto agrees, voice resigned. Totsuka glances at him in mild surprise, since he’d expected more of an argument. Hashimoto is staring ahead, expression closed off like he’s thinking about something deeply, and it makes Totsuka’s heart squeeze in his chest.

At Totsuka’s house, Hashimoto is all charm with his mother and sister as usual, deftly wheedling a plate of snacks from them with one hand while he ushers Totsuka off to his room with the other, promising Totsuka-san all the gossip at breakfast the next morning.

“You’d better!” Totsuka-san calls good-naturedly after them as they troop up the stairs. “Or I’ll call your mother and give her some of my own gossip about you boys! And Kawai-san and Yabu-san too!”

“Hey now!” Totsuka protests, not liking the sound of that one bit, before Hashimoto drags him through his door and pulls the door shut. He grumbles a bit about his mom listening in on them through the door as Hashimoto sets the plate down on Totsuka’s desk. Totsuka trails off when Hashimoto sits down on his bed without eating anything and just looks at him.

“There’s something you want to talk about, right?” Hashimoto asks. His face is calm and serious and a little bit sad, and he looks like such an adult that Totsuka can actually feel the place where his heart breaks. “About us?”

“Us?” Totsuka asks, lost. “Me?”

“There is, right?” Hashimoto presses. “You never say your feelings out loud, but you’ve been singing that song a lot. Is it that you don’t want to do this anymore?”

No words come out of Totsuka’s mouth when he opens it, his throat closed up and his skin going cold with surprise. It feels like he’s had the rug yanked right out from under him, and he all but stumbles the two steps towards Hashimoto to wrap arms tight around his shoulders and yank Hashimoto as close against him as he can manage.

“You’re shaking,” Hashimoto says, voice muffled against Totsuka’s stomach.

“It’s not that,” Totsuka finally manages. “It’s nothing like that. Why would you think that?” He feels panicky and has no idea why he should be the one with the racing heart and sweaty palms when it’s Hashimoto that thought he was getting broken up with. “I don’t want that at all.”

“Oh,” Hashimoto sounds genuinely surprised. His arms close around around Totsuka’s waist every bit as tight as Totsuka is clutching at him, and that settles Totsuka’s equilibrium a little. “But…why did you keep singing that song, then? At me?”

“You sing your feelings at me,” Totsuka points out. “I’m your one and only guy, remember?”

“But that’s a love song.” Hashimoto tilts his head back so that he can see Totsuka’s face, resting his chin against Totsuka’s stomach.

“Mine is…too?” Totsuka ventures.

“It’s not!” Hashimoto retorts, so vehemently that Totsuka blinks. “He keeps telling her never, right? She asks if he wants to stay together and he says never, never, never, a whole bunch of times! I don’t know why we’re even singing that dumb song!”

For a stunned second, Totsuka just stares at him, and then finally once a snicker sneaks out, he can’t stop them. Hashimoto frowns as soon as the laughter starts, but Totsuka keeps laughing until he’s almost crying with it, because of course Hashimoto’s English is exactly that bad, and of course his attempt to get his feelings across backfired so spectacularly, of course.

“You don’t have to laugh about it,” Hashimoto says sulkily, and Totsuka tries his hardest to collect himself for the sake of not breaking up.

“Ryosuke, that’s not at all what the song’s about,” Totsuka says, still chortling. “It’s…” Totsuka has to think his way through the lyrics to make them Hashimoto-appropriate. “When will I get tired of you? Never. When will I stop wanting you? Never. When will I change my mind?”

“Never,” Hashimoto answers, comprehension lighting up his eyes just as much as his cheeks are turning red from embarrassment. “Tottsuuuuuuu. That’s what you were trying to tell me? Why didn’t you just say!”

“I couldn’t,” Totsuka admits. “Not like you. But I wanted to, for you. You do it so easily for me.”

“That’s dumb,” Hashimoto says bluntly. “Hasshi is Hasshi, and Tottsu is Tottsu. You can tell me stuff if you want to, but even if you don’t…you wouldn’t let me force you, right? I can read your heart at least that much.” Hashimoto wrinkles his nose. “Usually.”

“Promise you won’t outgrow me?” Totsuka asks, because Hashimoto will always promise him the impossible. “Now that you’re becoming an adult properly?”

“Never my love,” Hashimoto does indeed promise, easy as that. He presses a kiss to Totsuka’s stomach. “Isn’t it you that wanted reassurance this whole time?”

“Yes,” Totsuka admits, because when Hashimoto says it, it sounds so obvious. “That’s exactly it.”

Hashimoto pulls Totsuka down to his bed, and then pushes him until he’s lying on his back. Totsuka hums appreciation when Hashimoto rolls on top of him, settling on his elbows, his weight pressing Totsuka down pleasantly. Totsuka expects him to lean in for a kiss, but instead Hashimoto just grins at him for several seconds.

“You think I’m becoming an adult?” he asks, clearly pleased. Totsuka nods. “Mm, good. I want to be equal with you, after all.”

“You know you are,” Totsuka says, maybe as much to tell himself that as anything. “After everything we’ve done together, the gap between us has been closed for ages already. You do know that, right?”

Hashimoto grins harder, because he closed that gap himself with sheer force of effort, just the same way he won Totsuka over in the first place. “Feels good to hear you say it, though.”

Totsuka gets his kiss then, finally, but it’s sweet and long enough that he forgives Hashimoto for the wait. He lifts hands to brush through Hashimoto’s hair and over his cheekbones, and Hashimoto hums as he presses forward into the touch. The rocking of their hips together is gradual enough that Totsuka doesn’t notice it starting at first, until Hashimoto spreads his legs to either side of Totsuka’s thighs so that he can dig his knees in for leverage.

“Can I ride you?” Hashimoto asks when he lifts his head, and Totsuka groans a yes, of course. If he can just lie on his back and have Hashimoto take care of him, that sounds like paradise right about now. Hashimoto scrambles eagerly off to get the supplies, and shakes off his clothes like a puppy shakes off water.

Maybe he should quit making dog comparisons for Hashimoto, Totsuka thinks, even as that thought makes him laugh quietly again.

“Your clothes too,” Hashimoto demands, crossing his arms imperiously. Totsuka obeys, enjoying the way Hashimoto watches him so closely as he strips of his shirt and undoes his belt. Hashimoto reaches to help him strip his jeans off, although his help seems to consist mainly of brushing his fingers across Totsuka’s thighs as he bares them.

“Come here if you want me to help you get ready,” Totsuka says. He can’t take his eyes off of Hashimoto either, the way his skin is so smooth and tanned the whole long length of him, making Totsuka want to run his hands over every single centimeter. Hashimoto flops against Totsuka’s side willingly enough, budging up enough to be in easy reach and bending one knee helpfully.

“Here,” he says, putting the tube of lube in Totsuka’s hand. “Hurry up, Totsuka’s fingers are the best.”

“There is such a thing as too much information,” Totsuka says as he slicks his apparently awesome fingers, but Hashimoto only laughs at him. The laugh turns into a pleased groan when Totsuka pushes the first finger in, slow and steady.

“Too slow,” Hashimoto complains after not even a minute, and even if it weren’t a blatant lie Totsuka wouldn’t speed up. The sight of Hashimoto with his eyes closed in concentration and his body pushing down against Totsuka’s fingers isn’t one he wants to hurry through. “Come on, one more? Please.”

Totsuka gives in to Hashimoto’s demands after not much more coaxing, and soon he’s got three fingers inside him. Hashimoto is panting encouragement into his ear and digging his fingers into Totsuka’s shoulders hard enough that there might be marks, not that Totsuka cares about that.

“Gonna come all over you,” Hashimoto threatens. “Don’t you wanna be inside me when it happens?”

“Fuck yes,” Totsuka sighs, letting Hashimoto push his wrist away. Hashimoto is a little wobbly when he tries to sit up, but it doesn’t take that much coordination to throw a leg over Totsuka’s waist and haul himself over into the right position.

“Mmmmm,” Hashimoto moans his approval as he sinks down onto Totsuka’s cock until his weight is resting fully on him. Totsuka considers shushing him, but he likes Hashimoto’s noises an awful lot, plus his mother threatened to call Yabu-san on him, so she gets what she gets.

“How can you have this much thigh strength after practicing all day?” Totsuka demands when Hashimoto pushes back up and gives a test roll of his hips. He grabs Hashimoto’s thighs just to have something to hold onto, groaning softly himself at the flex of those strong muscles underneath Hashimoto’s hot skin.

“Practice makes perfect,” Hashimoto says smugly, lifting his arms above his head like he does on stage, making a show out of it and watching Totsuka’s face to make sure he’s looking the whole time. “Good?”

“So good,” Totsuka says breathlessly, already wondering how long Hashimoto expects him to last like this. Hashimoto is hot and tight around him, and Totsuka’s hips seem to have a mind of their own as they roll up into Hashimoto every time he sinks down. “Touch yourself?”

“Aw, I have to do everything,” Hashimoto pouts, but his hand is already on himself, other hand still up in his hair.

If there’s something hotter to watch in the whole world than watching Hashimoto Ryosuke ride his dick while he pulls himself off, Totsuka doesn’t know what it is. He can’t take his eyes off of Hashimoto’s cock slide through those long fingers, until finally Hashimoto gives in with a wail and comes, trailing drips of white up Totsuka’s belly and chest.

“Hurry up,” Hashimoto groans while he shivers himself out, obviously struggling to keep himself upright. Totsuka doesn’t make him wait, already close to his own limit after a sight like that. It’s only a few more thrusts before he spills inside Hashimoto, buried as deep as he can get in Hashimoto’s heat.

Neither one of them wants to get up to clean up the mess. After Hashimoto tumbles off to the side, he sits up long enough to lick the worst of it off of Totsuka’s stomach, and Totsuka could care less if the rest of it gets on his sheets. Hashimoto curls up along Totsuka’s back like the best heating pad in the entire world, and Totsuka feels like he could solve all the world’s problems with this solution if he were willing to share.

Which he isn’t.

“Say it just the once, though,” Hashimoto murmurs against Totsuka’s shoulder, fingers drawing light lines up and down Totsuka’s sternum.

“I’m yours,” Totsuka says, letting his heavy eyes close. “And you’re mine.”

“Right,” Hashimoto says with approval, squeezing Totsuka tighter for a second. “And I love you and stuff, too. So long as I get to work beside Tottsu always, I’ll even sing that dumb song a hundred times.”

“Maybe the next one will be a love song,” Totsuka tells him, and Hashimoto snorting with laughter is what lulls him to sleep.