30 Kisses, (18) Hajimari no Ne

Title: Hajimari no Ne [Totsuka/Kawai]
Rating/Warnings: G? For general idiocy where Taipi/Kawai are concerned.
Summary: When Kawai laughs like that, Totsuka can’t help but laugh too.
AN: 30 Kisses, day 18. Title from Tottsu’s solo from Crea. I love Kawai’s laugh, just to say, precisely because it is totally ugly but he never tries to cover it up, because I can always tell when he’s standing just off-camera, and because he makes Taipi laugh just as hard when they’re together, hard enough to make Taipi forget to be attractive as well.

Hajimari no Ne

Totsuka would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried when the four of them get pulled to work for Tackey, the rest of their units shipped off to exile in Osaka. That’s unfair, he chides himself, it’s not exile, it’s work, and maybe it’s good they have a chance to develop their strengths without being overshadowed, to start finding their own places instead of following blindly.

But it doesn’t feel like that. Totsuka even goes so far as to turn up in Tackey’s dressing room to ask him what he thinks, but the words stick in his throat even as he tries to say them. Tackey’s eyes are sympathetic, the skin of his bare chest sticky from summer when he hugs Totsuka, and Totsuka lets himself be comforted, clings as tightly as he did when he was much younger.

Kawai seems happy enough, and why shouldn’t he, with Fujigaya so close by for the run of the show. Totsuka knows exactly where Kawai is, always, because Kawai’s laugh can be heard ringing from one end of the building to the other, a peculiar pitch that not even cinderblock can muffle. Their laughs are funny, both Fujigaya’s and Kawai’s, because they’re so ugly that they’re beautiful, their real true laughs that can’t be faked.

They’re sitting together during lunch break, reading scripts quietly, and Kitayama exchanges a glance with Totsuka when Kawai and Fujigaya break down into hysterics across the room. Kitayama’s expression is annoyed for the constant ruckus and interruption, but sort of affectionate too, and Totsuka knows exactly how he feels. That sound means the two of them are happy, maybe just for that minute, but the whole way down to their souls, and Totsuka’s own soul can’t help but lift in response.

“Do you wonder,” Totsuka asks, words that were impossible to say to Tackey coming suddenly unstuck in front of Kitayama, “if they shouldn’t be in the same unit after all?”

He tries to make it sound idle, not like he’s talking about the four of them or the seven who are missing, but Kitayama is too smart for that. He eyes Totsuka steadily for a second, and Totsuka thinks he might tease, but Kitayama is too smart for that as well, it turns out.

“I’m glad they aren’t,” he says simply, “not because I don’t think they would be happy. But it makes me feel much better that they can be such close friends when they aren’t in the same unit at all.”

Totsuka digests that. “Better about the Jimusho?” Kitayama shrugs.

“About the whole universe.”

It makes Totsuka laugh, not the obnoxious braying coming from across the room, but it comes from someplace just as deep inside of him, makes him laugh until his stomach aches and he has to set his forehead down on the table.

“Hiromitsu, the things you say,” Totsuka says when he finally manages to collect himself. “Imagine the universe depending on Fumito and Taisuke never being in the same unit.”

Kitayama chuckles ruefully as another burst of hilarity drifts over, then says that he isn’t sure that it doesn’t.

That night in their hotel room, Kawai is blundering about in just his boxers as usual and checking his phone, when a mail from Goseki makes him crack up, eyes and nose both scrunching up tightly.

“You know I love your laugh?” Totsuka says at total random, random enough that even Kawai looks up and blinks at him.

“My laugh?” Kawai gives him a puzzled grin. “I’m glad? But it’s not very attractive, though, right?”

Totsuka could make the obvious dig about all of Kawai’s parts matching up, and heaven knows Goseki would, but Totsuka shakes his head. “It’s beautiful. When you laugh like that, I know you mean it. Kawai’s heart isn’t so much a mystery then.”

Kawai drops his phone carelessly on the bedside table and crawls into Totsuka’s bed, heedless of his own perfectly serviceable bed not a meter away. He settles against Totsuka’s side, head on Totsuka’s chest and arm curled around his waist, as if Totsuka is a beloved stuffed toy to sleep with.

“Like anyone’s heart is a mystery to Tottsu.” Kawai yawns, air a warm burst over Totsuka’s collarbone.

“Maybe just my own,” Totsuka answers, letting his eyes slip shut, comfortable and relaxed enough to maybe sleep on the first try. He feels Kawai shift position but doesn’t bother himself about it, or bother to open his eyes.

So the kiss is a surprise, if a pleasant one.

More surprising, perhaps, because it isn’t Kawai’s usual unsubtle suggestion that they play, or even a cutesy ploy to get Totsuka’s to spoil him. It’s gentle, warm, Kawai’s lips rough and familiar over his, and when Totsuka opens his eyes, Kawai’s are open too. Totsuka imagines that Kawai can see him just then, really see him, the same way as he sees Kawai. Like the way his heart sees Kawai’s when Kawai laughs.

The kiss breaks naturally, and Kawai takes a breath. Totsuka doesn’t interrupt, just waits patiently for Kawai to say whatever he’s thinking.

“I’m scared they’re going to stick me and Taipi in the same unit,” he says, eyes excited and anxious at the same time. “Not just for shows, for permanent. I’m scared that I want them to, maybe.” His voice is quiet but wavers like it’s trying to be both hopeful and sad.

Totsuka cups Kawai’s cheeks in his hands and smiles. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You don’t think they will?” Kawai asks.

“I think the universe would come to an end if they did.”

Kawai loses it, laughing so hard that he collapses against Totsuka’s chest, and Totsuka can feel it as well as hear it, Kawai’s cackling shaking him until he’s laughing too, just as hard.

Fujigaya hollers through the wall what the fuck are they doing in there at this time of night, holy hell and the two of them crack up all over again when Kawai yells back a cheerful your mom.

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