JE, Subtlety is for the Chibiko

Title: Subtlety is for the Chibiko [Kame/Kis-My-Ft2]
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for sexiness battle.
Summary: Nikaido, Fujigaya, and Tamamori all battle for the title of Kame’s sexiest back dancer.
AN: Written for goldfreckled for 2010 Rainbow Bridge exchange. I hope you like it! Also I hope the end makes sense since I came down sick right as the deadline approached, so I did the best I could in my condition ^^;;;; this is why you shouldn’t procrastinate on your exchange fics, kids. Thanks to Rachel and everybody who got the boob glue question sprung on them in the 11th hour.

Subtlety is for the Chibiko

Feelings are mixed when Kamenashi finishes explaining his tour solo, but Kis-My-Ft2 are nothing if not professional. Also by this point they’re inured to even the craziest of KAT-TUN’s (and also Arashi’s and Takizawa’s) ideas, so if the idea of being Kame’s half-dressed vampire harem slaves is maybe not the best concept on record, it’s at least doable.

It’s certainly not the worst concept they’ve ever heard, at any rate.

“Remember that time,” Miyata starts, “Matsumoto-kun wanted us to wear balloons all over our bodies and…”

“So vampires,” Fujigaya interrupts smoothly while Tamamori cuffs Miyata across the back of the head.

“Vampires are totally trendy,” Kitayama agrees, an expert on all things Western that can be accessed via his (or Tackey’s) laptop. Kame nods vigorously, like Kitayama gets it exactly and can be allowed in his secret club.

“Besides, it’ll let Kisumai show their sexy side,” Kame adds, and that’s all it takes to win over Nikaido, Fujigaya, Tamamori, and Senga all in one fell swoop.

“To be fair, all it takes for Senga is 120 yen for the vending machine,” Yokoo comments drolly when it’s just himself, Kitayama, and Kame discussing the matter intelligently, the others chattering loudly at each other about costumes and dance and who gets the sexiest vampire slave swoosh. “Really, Kame-kun? This is your idea of helping us out?”

“Truuust me,” Kame slings an arm around Yokoo’s shoulder and reaches down to snap the bracelet on his wrist. “It’s all about sex appeal, and pushing the right buttons. KAT-TUN did pirates when pirates were in, and look where we are today!”

“Hmm,” is all Yokoo answers as Koki suddenly bursts in on their practice and makes a beeline for Kisumai’s other frontman. Kitayama just shakes his head sadly and strolls over to make sure Senga isn’t sucked into the vortex.

This time.

*~*

Practices go quickly and relatively smoothly, Kis-My-Ft2 for once not having much else to focus on besides KAT-TUN’s tour. Although it’s certainly not the only part of the concert that features them, for several members, the topic continually turns back to Kame and his solo.

“My part is way sexier than yours, Nika!” Senga protests at lunch, sticking his tongue out when Nikaido rolls his eyes.

“Kame throws you on the ground and practically dry-humps you,” Nikaido argues.

“Exactly?” Senga tilts his head.

“It lacks subtlety,” Nikaido dismisses him with a wave of his chopsticks. Beside him, Yokoo chokes on a mouthful of rice at the insinuation that Nikaido can tell subtlety from a hole in the ground. “It’s not hot if you’re actually having sex with him. It’s totally hotter when I’m grinding with him.”

“Then you’re both losing to me,” Tamamori speaks up, apparently finished apologizing to his lunch for eating it. “I grind with Kame-kun too, and I’m in front, so the audience can see exactly where his hands are.”

“Where exactly are his hands?” Miyata wants to know. Tamamori just looks smug.

“You’re all retards for arguing about it,” Fujigaya interrupts. Yokoo opens his mouth to compliment Fujigaya for being the mature one for once, then closes it with a snap when Fujigaya adds, “Because I’m definitely the sexiest one.”

Their debate is interrupted by Kitayama informing them that everybody who wants to argue instead of nap peacefully had better get the hell out of their dressing room. Yokoo stays to straighten up and Miyata volunteers to help, which sends Fujigaya, Tamamori, and Nikaido out into the hallway to continue the debate, Senga successfully dispatched on an errand to the vending machine.

“Let’s be serious,” Fujigaya crosses his arms. “It’s definitely me. I’m older, and I’ve been doing this way longer than either of you brats.”

“Get real,” Tamamori says at the same time Nikaido tells him to fuck off.

“And,” Fujigaya adds, smug, “I’m more experienced, you know?”

“GROSS,” Tamamori declares. “Also false.”

“Nobody wants to fuck you but Koki-kun,” Nikaido dismisses Fujigaya’s sound reasoning, ignoring the look on Tamamori’s face that says he’s plainly waiting for them to ask him for proof.

“Lots of people want to,” Fujigaya sniffs, “it’s just that unlike you, I don’t let anybody do it who shows an iota of interest.”

Tamamori and Nikaido share a look of perfect skepticism.

“Anyway,” Fujigaya clears his throat with an air of taking charge, “clearly what we need is an impartial observer.”

*~*

“I will totally judge your sexiness battle,” Kame says, not even trying to hide his grin of amusement.

“Exactly how is Kame an impartial judge?” Nikaido wants to know.

“Nakamaru refused, Ueda wanted to cross-dress us, Junno’s creepy,” Fujigaya ticks off on his fingers, “and Koki’s a tainted observer.”

“Didn’t he get any antibiotics yet?” Tamamori inquires.

“Tainted by exposure to my sexiness,” Fujigaya snaps.

“That’s ‘Kame-kun’ to you, Nika-chan,” Kame says breezily. “And don’t you forget it or I’ll remind everybody that Kisumai didn’t used to need a 2. So good luck to all the contestants, and in case anyone’s thinking of bribery, I prefer my coffee and chocolate the same way I prefer my women.”

“…With a penis?” Tamamori theorizes into the moment of silence.

“Tama-chan,” Miyata says, sounding pained, “come over here and lets talk again about the kind of jokes that get ruined when you say the punchline out loud…”

*~*

Nikaido pulls ahead in the first day by figuring out that Kame wanted his coffee rich and foreign.

“Kenya?” Kame asks after a sip, not looking up from his bundle of staging notes.

“Cameroon,” Nikaido says smugly. “With a note of vanilla.”

“Mm, not bad,” Kame does look up, peering over his glasses to give Nikaido a casual up-and-down. “But word to the wise, Nika-chan: I doubt vanilla’s going to win you much in this competition.”

Later in the day, Senga asks Nikaido if he’s limping and frets over Nikaido’s stretching regimen while Nikaido tries to shoo off his roaming hands.

“That cheater,” Fujigaya grumbles. “We won’t lose to him, right, Tama-chan?”

“I’m definitely more flexible,” Tamamori answers, making Miyata cough and Kitayama laugh outright, “right, floor-san?”

“OW!” Nikaido bellows at Senga. “Quit poking that! I don’t even need that to dance!”

*~*

Nikaido’s lead doesn’t even last a week before Tamamori gets really serious about it.

“Time for practice, right?” Tamamori demands, dressed first and strolling towards the door before anyone else has so much as got a sneaker on. “Move it, yo!”

“Did he just…” Nikaido asks, “…hustle us along? Him?”

Everyone turns to look at Miyata, who’s sprawled on his back next to his bag, where he’s been ever since he trudged in the door.

“He’s really serious about this sexiness thing. Really serious.” Miyata pauses. “PS, I can’t get up.”

Nikaido and Fujigaya exchange a glance before scrambling to tug on their own sweats and sneakers. They bolt from the room, Fujigaya nearly putting out his eye with his hairpin before they screech to a halt in the practice room where Tamamori is making his bid for sexiest backer via the medium of body roll.

“Just, you know,” Tamamori is explaining, with a predictable lack of eloquence, not that Kame seems to mind, “like before, only more kind of like…”

Tamamori reaches over and yanks Kame flush against his back, pushing one of Kame’s hands up towards his throat, and the other decidedly lower.

“Hm, well,” Kame purrs, giving Fujigaya and Nikaido a slow blink, “you’re certainly the most energetic today, aren’t you? This sort of Tama-chan is awfully sexy, don’t you guys think?”

Fujigaya makes an affronted noise; Nikaido snorts and crosses his arms.

“Although on the other hand,” Kame tilts his head thoughtfully, making his cheek rub against Tamamori’s, “it’s not that different than the way we were doing it before.”

“Without our shirts,” Tamamori clarifies.

Fujigaya gives him the blackest glare possible, but when he glances to Nikaido for support, Nikaido’s T-shirt is already on the floor in a heap.

“Those leopard-print pants aren’t winning you any prizes,” Fujigaya snaps as he yanks his own shirt off and strides over to prove that if he’s going to lose to anybody in terms of staged groping, it sure isn’t going to be Tamamori.

*~*

Fortunately for Fujigaya’s pride as senpai-whore, Tamamori’s energy is short-lived. It’s only a few days before he’s back to making long-suffering faces when asked to roll his hips or anything else, leaving Fujigaya and Nikaido still vying to outdo each other.

Fujigaya pulls ahead briefly by encouraging the in-joke with Kame about how Kisumai doesn’t need a 2, flustering Nikaido too much to be truly seductive. Nikaido gets his revenge by needling Koki about Fujigaya’s betrayal until Koki storms into the middle of Kame’s final blocking session and demands that Fujigaya declare who his favorite senpai is once and for all.

The competition is still going on, fierce as ever, when the shows actually start. If anything it gets worse, since the screams of the audience only seem to egg the three competitors to more questionable acts, while Kame doesn’t make any secret of the fact that he’s enjoying their game to the fullest, both on- and off-stage.

“Honestly,” Yokoo demands when he’s had more than his fill of it, “and exactly what is the prize for this competition? And how do you know when you’ve won?”

“Sexiness is its own reward,” Fujigaya retorts, only half-listening since he’s trying to figure out if he can wear his jacket shirtless and still make sure that nobody sees his nipples. Tamamori is watching dispassionately, apparently unconcerned about the state of his own nipples.

“Want the boob glue?” Senga asks, ever helpful, and Yokoo cuffs the back of his head and says the only boob that needs gluing is him.

“What have you got boob glue for?” Nikaido demands suspiciously, but Senga’s only halfway through some garbled explanation that involves Yamapi when a staff member sticks his head in the door and demands that they get themselves in start position, with shirts this time.

“Gimme that glue,” Fujigaya sighs in defeat, but in an undertone in case Kitayama overhears and does the same thing with this tube as he did with the tube of sock glue.

Out in the hallway, the usual bickering halts abruptly when the end of the hallway reveals Kame, holding Nakajima Yuto in a headlock that Yuto seems reluctant, despite their ridiculous height difference, to break out of. He just takes it, smiling awkwardly, while Kame chats with Yabu and Takaki.

“…totally little-brother type, right?” Kame is saying, Yabu and Takaki nodding and suppressing smiles as Yuto’s cheeks turn pink. “Only he used to be the cute type and now it’s totally sexy type! Oh!” Kame looks up and notices Kisumai watching. “Look who I found! Hey, Yuto-kun, when I get to my solo, you should come up and do it, don’t you think?”

Yuto’s eyes widen under the sudden force of Fujigaya, Nikaido, and Tamamori’s glares, but Kame’s grip on him doesn’t loosen. Instead Kame smirks and mouths so that only Kisumai can see his next words.

“You lose~.”