Egyptian Mythology, Upheaval in the House of Phoenix

Title: Upheaval in the House of Phoenix
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 because, well, ass fur.
Summary: What living in my house the week before my brother’s graduation was like, as told through the medium of Egyptian mythology.
A/N: Oh, if only it were an exaggeration…

Upheaval in the House of Phoenix

And the time of graduating drew near, with Lord Horus being nearly come of age, the time of Saturday brunches and family pictures with the one-step Polaroid from the dawn of time, and Lady Isis looked upon the House of Phoenix and she spoke,

“This place is a pigsty! We can’t have people over here!”

And lo, she invented many implements of cleaning for her tasks, feather dusters and cloth rags made out of the King Osiris’ used undergarments, and a vacuum machine with a thousand attachments which no mortal man may fathom the use of.

For six days and six nights she vacuumed, the bellow of the sacred machine ringing in the glorious halls, and on the seventh she entered the room of family sitting to find her husband and son resting.

Being wroth, she spoke:

“O Husband, O Son, for six days and six nights I have toiled with the feather dusters and the cloth rags made out of the King Osiris’ used undergarments, and the vacuum machine with a thousand attachments which no mortal man may fathom the use of, and no one has lifted a finger to help me!”

The mighty husband lifted his eyes to Nut, the goddess of the sky, and replied to his consort:

“Can’t you see that I’m in the middle of a game of Sennet?”

His wife, who knew truly that the Lord Osiris might well play Sennet with himself until the mighty disc of the sun had long since gone down to battle in the Underworld if given half a chance, made this speech:

“There are people coming and this house is a wreck! Truly I tell you it will rain tomorrow, and everyone will have to fit inside the House of Phoenix, and we don’t have near enough chairs!”

Osiris, King of All There Was Since That Thing With The Primordial Heap, peered at the cloudless desert sky through the nearby gilded window and made this reply:

“Even if it were to rain, there are only the nine Immortal Ones in all of creation! And I only invented furniture yesterday!”

The Lady Isis did not relent, but yet bespoke again of the lack of chairs, and how some deities who did not RSVP would certainly come into being, and of the clutter which bestrew the House of Phoenix, and how she would be shamed before all the Immortal Ones, even Tefnut, who was made of spittle. At length, the Lord of the House of Phoenix arose, scattering Sennet pieces to the four corners of the world and spoke thusly:

“I’ve had enough of this! I’m going to work!”

From the House of Phoenix he strode, and he would have slammed the door had the Lady Isis not just polished it, nor was she holding a vacuum attachment which the Lord Osiris liked not the look of.

The Lord being not at that moment present, the Lady Isis thus turned to her son, who had been planning to sneak out and fashion for himself a mortal woman that he might visit her constantly and refuse to return home at a reasonable hour, and the royal mother addressed him:

“O Son, you aren’t going anywhere. You will take the vacuum machine with a thousand attachments which no mortal man may fathom the use of, and you will vacuum the dust of all Egypt from the House of Phoenix!”

The proud son did scuff his foot and whine to the revered mother:

“But Mo-om, there’s no point! Five minutes after you vacuum, Anubis will scoot all over the floor again, and leave ass fur everywhere, and the carpet will look just like it did before!”

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