Harry Potter, Me, Myself, and Oh My

Title: Me, Myself, and Oh My [Remus/Remus]
Rating/Warnings: R for…masturbation?
Summary: Remus puts his Timeturner to illicit use.
A/N: I kept saying Remus/Lupin instead of Remus/Sirius and eventually decided it would be hot yet twisted.

Me, Myself, and Oh My

Remus scrubbed at his eyes warily, glaring down at his Arithmancy homework. His heavy sigh echoed in the empty dorm room. All the other Marauders were down at Hogsmead, but Remus HAD to make up the homework he’d missed during the full moon last week, or he’d never pass the next batch of exams, not to mention get some quality OWL time in.

This is what came from the evil that was taking extra classes. He knew he shouldn’t have done it, he had trouble keeping up as it was, but everything was so damn INTERESTING. And then he’d volunteered to test out McGonagall’s new Time thingy…

Sirius told him he was daft. He should’ve listened to Sirius, and Remus had never thought he’d say that. Remus wished Sirius was here so Remus could tell him that, then remembered Sirius wasn’t speaking to him because he’d wanted to do homework rather than go to Hogsmead with Sirius.

The image of Sirius pouting flashed into his mind. Sirius nibbling his lower lip. Sirius nibbling Remus’ lower lip…

“Must…study…” Remus gritted his teeth, trying to force his brain to disengage from his body’s response to that last thought. He coerced his hand to scrawl a few more mathematic symbols before it rebelled and started doodling a large, black dog on his parchment.

Dammit…

Remus threw down his quill in frustration. This unrequited love bollock was HARD, and unfortunately so was he.

“It’s no problem,” Remus said out loud. “There’s no one here, I can just dispense of the matter quickly and return to doing my homework. No problem at all.”

Figuring he could dispense with the niceties, Remus unceremoniously flipped open the top button of his trousers and slid his hand inside to grasp his cock. He shifted around in his chair, trying to find a comfortable slouch while giving a few test strokes. Remus slid down lower and lower until his arse was dangling off the seat at a ridiculous angle.

“This is absurd,” he snarled as he nearly crashed to the floor. He tried to pull his hand back out to help pull himself back out, but it was trapped by the way his trousers had pulled tight against the chair and had gone all tingly from lack of circulation. Finally he heaved himself up and stood, freeing his hand and rubbing it vigorously to restore the blood.

“This is the ultimate rejection,” he snapped to the empty room. “Even my own HAND is falling asleep!”

As he rubbed out the final pins and needles in his hand, his eye fell on the shiny hourglass sitting on his desk, and an idea struck him.

A wonderfully wicked idea. An idea worthy of Sirius. An idea that he was pretty sure McGonagall had told him was illegal.

“This way I can…er, relieve myself AND get some homework done,” he assured himself. “It’s win-win. No ramifications whatsoever.”

Remus picked up the Timeturner and considered it carefully. He wouldn’t need a full turn (he HOPED), but that was the smallest increment he had, so Remus twisted the thing once and closed his eyes, feeling a tug around his navel that was rather portkey-ish, but a tad more nauseating.

He stumbled a little as the room seemed to shift, then opened his eyes.

There he was. Sitting at the desk, quill poised halfway through a problem, was Remus J. Lupin, staring up at Remus J. Lupin the Hour Older.

Remus the Older stifled a giggle as he remembered that the space-time continuum might collapse at any moment.

“Skip number twenty-two,” he told himself. “It’s worthless, and the answer’s inked in on the next page.”

“You came back in time to tell me that?!” Remus the Younger demanded.

“Actually I came back in time to ask if you wouldn’t mind helping me out with a rather…persistent problem.”

“Damn,” Remus the Younger sighed, set down his quill. “I KNEW I’d be too distracted by Sirius to finish this stupid assignment. I’ve got myself…yourself…worked up enough to resort to time travel?”

“I’m afraid so,” Remus the Older nodded grimly.

Remus the Younger stood up and the pair looked at each other for a moment.

“Should we…um, maybe…?” Remus the Older glanced towards the bed.

“Right,” Remus the Younger squared his shoulders. “Bound to be more comfortable.”

They crossed the room towards their bed hastily, bumping into each other as they tried to crawl on it at exactly the same place.

“Sorry about that.”

“My fault. I mean, your fault. I think.”

“It’ll be your fault when you’re me.”

They stared at each other.

“For purposes of clarity,” Remus the Older said, “I think one of us should be Remus and one of us should be Lupin for the duration.”

“It will save us confusion,” Remus the Younger agreed. “I’ll be Lupin?”

“Agreed,” Remus nodded. They stared some more.

Remus and Lupin leaned in for the kiss at the exact same moment.

It was the most neutral experience of Remus’ entire life. There were no new tastes or textures to explore, nothing exciting about it at all, in fact. It was like kissing your hand, if your hand had a tongue and wasn’t even salty. They broke apart at the same moment, a shade of identical disappointment on both their faces.

“Right to it then I guess,” Remus cleared his throat.

“I suppose it’s most economic,” Lupin said, “if I get you off. Then, when I go back in time, you’ll be me and I’ll be the one getting off.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Remus nodded, settling back against their pillows with and expectant look. “I like the way you think, Lupin.”

Lupin, meanwhile, had busied himself with undoing Remus’ trousers and raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve certainly not been getting much work done, have I?” he asked rhetorically. Remus grunted a reply as Lupin licked a palm speculatively and grasped his erection, squeezing exactly the right amount.

That was to be expected, Remus thought to himself.

Lupin began an all-too-familiar rhythm, furrowing a brow in concentration.

“It’s hard to do this backwards,” he informed Remus, who merely nodded. Lupin decided that other methods might be more expedient than the awkward backwards stroking. For a moment he mused that when James had boasted he could manage this trick, this probably wasn’t what he’d had in mind.

Remus had closed his eyes to shut out the weirdness, but they flew open when Lupin’s mouth slid over his cock, getting a surprising amount of it inside his mouth before pulling back a little.

“Ummmm,” Remus hummed, settling down deeper into the pillows. “When James says he can go down on himself, I doubt this is what he means.” He reached down to tangle his hands in Lupin’s hair and closed his eyes again, doing his best to pretend the hair was dark and silky.

Lupin concentrated on the sucking, bobbing motion he had developed. Who knew it was so hard to keep from using his teeth?

Remus, who had mastered the art of the silent sexual experience during many a night in a shared dormitory, did not moan or pant loudly or even groan out names (which Lupin was thankful for upon reflection), but Lupin could tell Remus was getting close by the way his hips were jerking nearly involuntarily, and he held Remus down forcefully with one hand to keep himself from choking. He reached down with the other hand to squeeze the base of Remus’ cock…if he could get just the right place with his thumb…

Remus hissed suddenly and arched up, going rigid for a moment before flopping back down spinelessly. Lupin was caught a little off-guard, but recovered quickly enough to keep from making a huge mess on their bed.

So that’s what he tasted like.

After a minute, Remus sighed and sat up, adjusting his pants and running a hand through his hair.

“Back to work then, I suppose,” Remus said.

“Guess so,” Lupin agreed. He glanced at the Timeturner around Remus’ neck. “Almost time for me to go anyway.”

They both got up and returned to the desk, Remus sitting down and Lupin picking up his own Timeturner.

“Not that that wasn’t interesting,” Lupin said, “but I’m hardly in the state you were in when you got here.”

“Sirius nibbling on your lower lip,” Remus replied helpfully without looking up.

“Mmm,” Lupin closed his eyes for a moment, giving a barely perceptible shudder. “Thanks. I’m ready now.”

Remus didn’t bother to watch as Lupin disappeared; he’d seen it before, after all.

“Back to Arithmancy,” he told himself firmly. “Numbers…and symbols…all perfectly normal…nothing strange here at all…”

Remus had a sudden mental image of Sirius walking into the room and catching him going down on himself.

“Bloody hell,” he cried in exasperation, throwing down his quill and putting his head in his hands.